Indian Driving
For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting
India and daring to drive on Indian roads, offering a few
hints for survival.
They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar,
where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer.
Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of
karma where you do your best, and leave the results to
your insurance company.The hints are as follows:
1. Do we drive on the left or right of the road?The
answer is "both". Basically you start on the left of the
road, unless it is occupied.In that case, go to the
right, unless that is also occupied.Then proceed by
occupying the next available gap, as in chess.
2. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction,
and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much
misery and occasional fatality.
3. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles
in the intended direction. Don't you get discouraged or
underestimate yourself.Except for a belief in
reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better
position.
4. Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some
fool wants to cross the road.You may do so only if you
enjoy being bumped in the back.Pedestrians have been
strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving
slowly or had come to a dead stop because some minister
is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but
then, let us not talk ill of the dead.
5. Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some
countries. We horn to express joy, resentment,
frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts),
or, just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the
bazaar.
6. Keep informative books in the glove compartment.You
may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the
chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rain
waters to recede when overground traffic meets
underground drainage.
7. Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating
experience (for those with the mental makeup of Genghis
Khan). In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette,
because you do not know who amongst the drivers is
loaded.What looks like premature dawn on the horizon
turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record.On
encountering it, just pull partly into the field
adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes.Our roads
do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not
blink your lights expecting reciprocation.The only dim
thing in the truck is the driver, and the peg of illicit
arrack he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral
functions add up to little more than a nought.Truck
drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to
kill. Often you may encounter asingle powerful beam of
light about six feet above the ground.This isnot a super
motor-bike, but a truck approaching you with a single
light on, usually the left one. It could be the right
one, but never get too close to investigate. You may
prove your point posthumously.Of course, all this occurs
at night, on the trunk roads.During the daytime, trucks
are more visible, except that the drivers will never show
any signal.(And you must watch for the absent signals;
they are a greater threat.) Only, you will often observe
that the cleaner that sits next to the driver, will
project his hand and wave hysterically. This is
definitely not to be construed as a signalfor a left
turn. The waving is just an expression of physical relief
ona hot day.
8. Occasionally you might see what looks like an UFO with
blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from
within.This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims
singing bhajans. This pilgrims go at breakneck speed,
seeking contact with the Almighty, ften meeting with
success.
9. Unique to Indian traffic:
a) Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi) - the result of a collision
between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled
vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs
on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote.This triangular
vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers
three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified
fare.After careful geometric calculations, children are
folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some
children in the periphery are not in contact with the
vehicle at all.Then their school bags are pushed into the
microscopic gaps all round so that minor collisions with
other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of
course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare
and also learn Newton's laws of motion en route to
school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules
depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to
irritate.
b) Mopeds - The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and
makes noise like an electric shaver.It runs 30 miles on a
teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed.As
the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the moped
drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they
would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of
around them and are often "mopped" off the tarmac.
c) Leaning Tower of Passes - Most buss passengers are
given free passes and during rush hours, there is
absolute mayhem.There are passengers hanging off other
passengers, who in turn hang off the railings, and the
overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity
but obeying laws of surface tension.As drivers get paid
for overload (so many Rupees per kilogram of passenger),
no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses
by a width of three passengers.
d) One-Way Street - These boards are put up by traffic
people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives.Don't
stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one
direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot
proceed in two directions at once.So drive as you like, in
reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type.
Lest I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point
also.Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been
prevented by providing a "speed breaker"; two for each
house. This mound, incidentally, covers the water and
drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred
for easy identification by the corporation authorities,
should they want to recover the pipe for year-end
accounting.
If, after all this, you still want to drive in India,
have your lessons between 8 pm and 11 am--when the police
have gone home. The citizen is then free to enjoy the
"freedom of speed" enshrined in our constitution.